The Tale of a Dead Princess (1851) by Ivan Pyetrovich Ivanov-Vano
status: looking for winter.
K: who goes out into the woods looking for winter again on the cusp of spring? my friends tease me a lot about my weird attraction to suffering, what rishi once aptly clocked as a “pursuit of self-flagellation,” and what i myself agree is a ridiculous tendency to go about things in as convoluted and arduous a way as possible. why? i finally wrote down some proximation of an answer this month: “i like that exercise where you drag something through grime and filth and then see that you still love it at the end. it makes me feel hopeful that someone could love me someday, too, dents and all.”
anytime i describe beautiful or good things, i notice that i use overtly sour language: i am always crashing into something, something is always splintering me apart, there is always a bruise or a clot or i’m just straight-up dying, i am being killed slowly, i am seized by uncontrollable forces and descending like a fallen angel from someplace pure and cold into someplace viler, baser, more dangerous. the things i feel have a perilous momentum to them. and there’s the part of me that’s still convinced a beautiful thing can’t be beautiful unless you fuck it up a little bit, and a good thing can’t be good unless you induce it to slightly misbehave. (that’s the sagittarius venus in me.)
status: rebirthing spring.
E: january is the longest month of the year. february is a love day. march is one moment i’m at my birthday dinner with my closest friends, the other i’m laying on our couch, both hands on my stomach. my period comes every month yet i’m taken aback each time. talk about a painful rebirth.
since daylight savings ended, there’s been a long stretch of afternoon sunlight that filters into our apartment. amora perches like a baguette in front of our balcony’s sliding door. her little ears are perked up and she is waiting for a person to pass, or a fly, perhaps. then she looks back at me with those olive green eyes, and i know she’s about to meow for food though it’s hours before dinnertime, and it’s over.
i guess my point is, we’re all adjusting! like always, like last year, i’m trying to be more patient with spring. it’s not as quiet as winter, and definitely not as free as summer. but the world awakens, the rest of the year begins, we end our hibernation, and the sun is out and ravenous.
monthly mix
springtime desert stars, cold limbs, lighters, third dates, fine-tooth combs, fleet foxes, housewarming parties, birthday parties, vaseline and zyrtec, a good pair of walking shoes, rabbit fur, and diptyque le papier.
bookshelf
K: between graduation, coursework, travel, spark, apartment hunting, and applying for visas, i’m lucky to have even an hour to myself every week to read. and i’m better off allocating that hour to one of the dozen other pressing things demanding my attention anyways. what i have been able to get my hands on, however, has been so immensely enjoyable and conducive to my writing.
recently read
the idiot by elif batuman (thank you amelia!)
norma jeane baker of troy by anne carson
heart of darkness by joseph conrad
an image of africa by chinua achebe
the sublime object of ideology by slavoj žižek
reading now
economy of the unlost by anne carson
japanese death poems by yoel hoffmann (thank you crystal!)
anna karenina by leo tolstoy (still chipping away at it…)
picking up next
the book of form and emptiness by ruth ozeki (thank you chance!)
lapvona by otessa moshefegh
debt: the first 5,000 years by david graeber
E: K gifted me the girls’ book of glamour: a guide to being a goddess (2009) for my bday :’) inner child is happy. i’ve also recently enjoyed (i.e., cried to) ocean vuong’s poetry collection, night sky with exit wounds (my favs are: ‘thanksgiving, 2006’ and ‘someday, i’ll love ocean vuong’) and lan samantha chang’s hunger (novella). as my thesis deadline approaches, though, i’m trying to (need to) prioritize creation > consumption.
phone booth
K: ebie, what are the pros and cons of falling in love?
E: mmm you know I love a good list. here they are (non-exhaustive and mutually inclusive):
(+) eye contact, other forms of contact, laughter, shamelessness, tenacity. warmth, familiarity of a new feeling, serendipity, growth. all definitions of light. opposite of loneliness. gutting certainty.(-) sleep deprivation, questions of reciprocity, time blindness, irresponsibility. questions of rationality, momentary amnesia, embarrassment. the feeling of free fall and you’re stripped bare.
fear not! the initial falling ends soon (give or take a few months), and you’re in love. that’s a whole other question, though - till next time. < 3
E: kai-lin, what is the art of making a good moodboard?
K: all good moodboards come from the desire to examine something or someone intently, maybe even scientifically. i find i only really make moodboards for people, and they are the kind that serve no real purpose except to stockpile all the whimsical little knick-knacks hovering uselessly and delightfully on the extremities of someone’s personhood. fish, pomegranates, calla lillies, rabbits, cherrywood, pigtails, snowfall. it’s all just me saying i pay attention to you! look how beautiful you are to me!
list of things
this 80s japanese city pop playlist for a lively friday night in.
this quiz that tells you your “loveprint” and this app that calculates your exact % compatibility with another person.
this freepeople clean lines long sleeve top ($50) that is ebie-approved and worth the price!
custom CVS calendars that are perfect for a thoughtful, handmade gift with same day pickup avail! the best tutorial here.
arc is a new internet browser with a clean interface. (now available on mobile!)
Thanks for reading! My Brilliant Friend is a weekly digest of thoughtful dialogues on love, friendship, and culture. You can subscribe below to receive new letters directly in your inbox.